Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

[sebastienne]

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Sure, I believe in it. I see it happening every day. Kind of like car-driving, I see that it is necessary for a lot of people, but doubt that it is really for me. I probably could learn to do it, if it was necessitated by my situation, but it's not high on my list of priorities at the moment. And if you put me behind the wheel of a car today? (No, I wouldn't crash it, but that's only because I wouldn't be able to get it going in the first place.)

I have never, ever understood the phenomenon of ceasing to find people-who-aren't-your-partner attractive once in a relationship. The fact that several monogamous people have told me they experience this effect suggests to me that I am wired fundamentally differently to them. I do understand the concept of choosing to promise fidelity, despite being attracted to other people; it's just not something I've ever done, or particularly see the point of. If I'm close enough to somebody, I want to share all of their joy and pain; this includes their crushes on other people. I like being able to share all of myself, as well. Parameters respecting one another's neuroses ('I'm not comfortable with you doing x' 'please always tell me before you do y' 'do you mind if we do z, sometimes?') are all very well, but aren't exclusive to nonmonogamous relationships - they're good for everyone!

Comments

[grignoter.livejournal.com]

I have never, ever understood the phenomenon of ceasing to find people-who-aren't-your-partner attractive once in a relationship.

Remember that this can be spectral rather than all-or-nothing, as well. I find plenty of people who aren't sccye attractive, I just don't find them *as* attractive as him.

[logmplus1.livejournal.com]

This.

I've noticed that how much I notice other people as being attractive depends on how well I'm getting on with my partner, and how recently I've seen her. When we lived apart during term time, it was almost binary: suddenly about two weeks into term, I'd start to find other people attractive. The effect of how well we're getting on is much more of a sliding scale, though.

[sebastienne.livejournal.com]

Thank you, yes. It's always a spectrum. I should know this by now!

June 9th - an hour of frantic goth-dancing between 8.30 and 9.30? A's DJing again and it would be awesome to have you there. xx

Attraction

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Sebastienne, I've never commented here before, so first of all hello to you and greetings from Israel - I'm a huge fan! :)

I crawled out of my cave because I pondered this issue in the past and being a devout monogamist, I'm quite interested in understanding the poly mindset.

Attraction, at least for me, is *a gradual process*, in which I explore and admire the attraction object's (hereafter AO) traits, while at the same time I indulge myself with thoughts of how cool it is (/would be) to spend time together. The process has to be triggered by the AO's general coolness, and at least for me, by a theoretical possibility (however slim) of a future relationship, but other that that, it's quite an internal and crucially, a volitional process.

Bearing that in mind, I think that when a monogamist is in a relationship he simply doesn't look at other people as potential partners and then the above (volitional) process is not initiated. A poly on the other hand, feels free to initiate the process and indulge in all the fun it brings. In short, I feel it's more of a lifestyle choice than something inherently different in the way attraction works, but I'm curious to hear what you think.

And finally, just to exemplify, let's say you meet this truly awesome (wo)man. (S)he's amazingly beautiful, bright and witty, but also married, with 3 children, a house and a dog. Will you feel the least attracted to h(er|im) in any meaningful sense?

-- Hillel

Re: Attraction

[sebastienne.livejournal.com]

I agree that attraction is a process, certainly, but I'm not entirely sure that I'd agree it's a volitional one. For me, the only way to stop the process once it's been initiated is to consciously seek out the AO's flaws, or to cease spending time with them. Even then, I've not found it to be particularly effective.

And it's something I have with pretty much everyone I meet, as well. The joy of getting to know someone - as you say, "all the fun it brings" is not just about the possibility that I might one day have a relationship with them! The development of intimacy is a wonderful thing that I cherish, and sex/romance is almost incidental to that.

I would definitely be attracted to the married woman. I am, to several. The presence or absence of the possibility of a 'relationship' just doesn't affect the joy of intimacy for me.

Re: Attraction

[(Anonymous)]

Well, thinking about the issue, I feel it's quite possible I've conditioned myself to my ways of thinking because of the mismatch I feel exists between a poly lifestyle and the actual world we live in. Maybe your whole wiring problems stem from you not being as apt at internalizing and conforming to society standards. You are still young I guess :).

Oh, and I really liked what you wrote about creating intimacy that's not based on sex and romance. For me, that's one hallmark of a healthy mindset, and one I'm trying hard to adopt.

And a final oh, I was just joking with that young comment, right? I'll try and educate myself about the poly world, so I might have some more intelligent opinions in the future.

Take care

-- H