(no subject)

[sebastienne]

when i last saw ashley, on saturday morning, she bundled me off to cambridge saying "see you sunday or monday". she slept through my return on sunday, and tonight she told me she was too drunk, and would rather fall asleep than come over to see me.

and i am not panicking.

i am not anxious and paranoid and trapped in circular thinking about how she Doesn't Love Me Any More (tm). there's no need to tell me how silly such thoughts are - we've been together over eleven months, i'm fully aware of how unlikely such hypotheses sound. i still get trapped in them, sometimes, and the worse my general level of stress/anxiety, the worse they are.

but anyway. they are not the point. the point is that, although it would have been nice to see her tonight, i don't care that plans have changed. i am comfortable with not seeing her when i thought i would be. i am noticably free from a panic-inducer that has been bothering me all term. this can only be a sign that i am getting better!

i will still probably go for a GP's second opinion, because I am by no stretch of the imagination "well". but House, and lizziwig, and oxfordgirl, and the general wonderfullness and holiday from Oxford that was Saf's ball, and, of course, the never-ceasing fabulousness of sushi_radical, have all conspired to bolster me this week. I'm in the home run, I can see the end of term, and beyond it I can see revision and a long, hard slog and eventually finals. but I'm not panicking about any of it.

ETA: I would also like to thank muddle_juniper. he may not remember, as we were both very drunk, but on saturday night he gave me the best kind of compliment it is possible to give someone - he reminded me of a few things that are so much part of my nature, i had forgotten to take pride in them. i'm sure that this must be a part of why i suddenly don't feel crippled by panic.

Comments

[potatofiend.livejournal.com]

Hurrah! I'm glad you had a good time and I'm overjoyed to hear you're getting better. :D

[steerpikelet.livejournal.com]

*cuddle*
proud of you. Hope you're proud of yourself, too, you should be!
x

[lizziwig.livejournal.com]

:D to every part of that post.

[muddle-juniper.livejournal.com]

I remember it and I stand by it very firmly! Good getting drunk with you. D

[vampire-kitten.livejournal.com]

*poke* Can I come find you sometime today to steal clothes?

[sebastienne.livejournal.com]

argh. forgot, sorry. am in for the next couple of hours, then am not in. am in wednesday morning until almost-noon as well.

[billyphatu.livejournal.com]

I couldn't believe it when Alex F told me you were in Cambs on Saturday night - she was performing in Abigail's Party at the Corpus Christi Playroom, and Luke was producing, and I, Paul Oliver and the Tarlings were watching! I know you had prior commitments but we nevertheless felt shameful about not knowing and not inviting.

I just had the most wonderful dream with you in it. Can't remember much, but it was very futuristic and we were traveling in super-speedy trains across vast nations in order to partake in what I can only describe as aristocratic orgies. Not with each other. With lots of other beautiful people. Then it got a bit weird and people started to become suspicious of government intervention in the whole gathering and we all left quickly and suddenly for a daring and epic return journey.

PS: I have read your brief but saddening entries about your current state of mind and health. I haven't responded as I should, I'm sorry; but then I do hold optimism for you because I know that, like me, you will draw on your Capricorn traits and get through it in your own way, no matter what people say and do.

PPS: Have you had a Shakeaway yet? MMM, nothing better for relaxing on a freezing, dark winter's day than a warm apple-pie-and-cinnamon-with-whipped-cream-topping-and-a-scoop-of-wheat-germ-to-make -it-remotely-healthy shake.

[slasheuse.livejournal.com]

I have to say my faith in You/Ashley goodness is now equal with the faith in oxfordgirl/mejoff goodness (I am v sleepy, and nearly wrote oxfordgirl/sushi_radical which would be inaccurate. Although I might like to watch that). Which is of no real consequence, but hurrah for it! You are a v good thing. I am so glad you are feeling better! Congratulations on that feeling, it is the best thing ever.

I also miss you and hope I see you soon!