(no subject)
Mar. 31st, 2006 10:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sebastiennei have a great relationship with my parents. they are not psychos, control freaks, or tories, they are kind and accepting and intelligent and loving. i also know how lucky i am in this regard, compared to most people i know.
none of this changes the fact that being in their house - because i'm not "at home" here any more, not really - sucks out of me all my soul and motivation. sure, this house is the antithesis of everything i want in life (look at me, rejecting my parents' values so completely, i bet that's never been done before), but that's not what this is about. when i am here i feel ugly, i feel a failure, i see myself differently in london mirrors. things make me sad that would make me happy in oxford.
i think of you roleplaying in Doom tonight and feel sick, trapped here. it occurs to me that i've never had a life-goal before as clear and achievable as "build a life in oxford".
of course, i had the life goal "get to oxford". but my image of the future was always a little hazy after that. now, there's just a glimmer in my mind of the kind of things which are possible. and they don't involve dogs or dishwashers or digital tv.
none of this changes the fact that being in their house - because i'm not "at home" here any more, not really - sucks out of me all my soul and motivation. sure, this house is the antithesis of everything i want in life (look at me, rejecting my parents' values so completely, i bet that's never been done before), but that's not what this is about. when i am here i feel ugly, i feel a failure, i see myself differently in london mirrors. things make me sad that would make me happy in oxford.
i think of you roleplaying in Doom tonight and feel sick, trapped here. it occurs to me that i've never had a life-goal before as clear and achievable as "build a life in oxford".
of course, i had the life goal "get to oxford". but my image of the future was always a little hazy after that. now, there's just a glimmer in my mind of the kind of things which are possible. and they don't involve dogs or dishwashers or digital tv.
