(no subject)

overheard in the wadham cafeteria - three men talking about security a the weekend:

"well, one guy got punched in the face.. he said it was 'cos he was gay, but i can hardly believe that, what with it being queer bop and alll..."

yes. when "queer" spaces become chances for straight people to dress up as "trannies" or "perverts" or flash as much flesh as they can to the opposite sex, they remain safe spaces, free from homophobia. i absolutely see your logic. impeccable. there is no sense in which it becomes uncomfortable to be there when other people are MOCKING YOUR LIFESTYLE (choices) under the banner of "inclusion". as a lesbian with interests in BDSM, i find myself mocked on two counts. i don't even know where to begin with the FHM readers in their female friend's mini-skirt and bra. you are NOT empowering ANYONE. Queer Bop is trans*phobic and kinkphobic, not to mention that it carries with it the suggestion that all queer people are promiscous, which is some pretty blatant homophobia, right there.

I am glad I went to Cambridge. I already thought I was as glad as it was humanly possible to be, given the brilliance of saf's ball.. but coming back to this, it turns out, it is possible to be even more glad than that.

(no subject)

when i last saw ashley, on saturday morning, she bundled me off to cambridge saying "see you sunday or monday". she slept through my return on sunday, and tonight she told me she was too drunk, and would rather fall asleep than come over to see me.

and i am not panicking.

i am not anxious and paranoid and trapped in circular thinking about how she Doesn't Love Me Any More (tm). there's no need to tell me how silly such thoughts are - we've been together over eleven months, i'm fully aware of how unlikely such hypotheses sound. i still get trapped in them, sometimes, and the worse my general level of stress/anxiety, the worse they are.

but anyway. they are not the point. the point is that, although it would have been nice to see her tonight, i don't care that plans have changed. i am comfortable with not seeing her when i thought i would be. i am noticably free from a panic-inducer that has been bothering me all term. this can only be a sign that i am getting better!

i will still probably go for a GP's second opinion, because I am by no stretch of the imagination "well". but House, and lizziwig, and oxfordgirl, and the general wonderfullness and holiday from Oxford that was Saf's ball, and, of course, the never-ceasing fabulousness of sushi_radical, have all conspired to bolster me this week. I'm in the home run, I can see the end of term, and beyond it I can see revision and a long, hard slog and eventually finals. but I'm not panicking about any of it.

ETA: I would also like to thank muddle_juniper. he may not remember, as we were both very drunk, but on saturday night he gave me the best kind of compliment it is possible to give someone - he reminded me of a few things that are so much part of my nature, i had forgotten to take pride in them. i'm sure that this must be a part of why i suddenly don't feel crippled by panic.