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Dec. 11th, 2005 06:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sebastienne"ooh" thought emma, "i haven't had any comment emails for a while, i wonder why not?"
it only just occured to me that posting might be a way to remedy this. i may or may not be going through what![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
steerpikelet terms an "identity crisis". i certainly have a migraine today. i want to do something extraordinary. i had a discussion with someone today, about how selfish it is of life not to allow me to have fun all the time and live comfortably, all the while with the ironic undertones that it is of course selfish of me to expect to be able to have fun all the time with no cost or consequences. where did this sense of duty come from? i have never been a dutiful person, what is happening to me? does it go hand-in-hand with the over-volunteering? what are these imperatives, these "musts" and "oughts" that suddenly guide my actions?
my problem with narnia (no film spoilers follow, fear not) or at least, with lion/witch/wardrobe is how much i, as an "adult", find my intellectual sympathies with the white witch. oh sure, she seduced me in childhood with her turkish delight (oh god, me and food; one day i'll explain why the sexual icons of my childhood were jadis and willy wonka) but now i realise that the books say she is a child of lilith. lilith whom i idolise in the same way as i am glad (in my own his-dark-materials comparable theology) that eve took the apple. and isn't aslan always saying "that is not for you to know" and denying people knowledge just like the god of the garden of eden whom i so mistrust? i have never been able to idolise purity or innocence. is this unfortunate? all i ever enjoyed in narnia books were the stories. maybe that was purity, the ability not to overanalyse everything for theology or slash or psychology or philosophy.
what am i even saying? this migraine is making the screen fuzzy. i am going to go away now.
it only just occured to me that posting might be a way to remedy this. i may or may not be going through what
steerpikelet terms an "identity crisis". i certainly have a migraine today. i want to do something extraordinary. i had a discussion with someone today, about how selfish it is of life not to allow me to have fun all the time and live comfortably, all the while with the ironic undertones that it is of course selfish of me to expect to be able to have fun all the time with no cost or consequences. where did this sense of duty come from? i have never been a dutiful person, what is happening to me? does it go hand-in-hand with the over-volunteering? what are these imperatives, these "musts" and "oughts" that suddenly guide my actions?my problem with narnia (no film spoilers follow, fear not) or at least, with lion/witch/wardrobe is how much i, as an "adult", find my intellectual sympathies with the white witch. oh sure, she seduced me in childhood with her turkish delight (oh god, me and food; one day i'll explain why the sexual icons of my childhood were jadis and willy wonka) but now i realise that the books say she is a child of lilith. lilith whom i idolise in the same way as i am glad (in my own his-dark-materials comparable theology) that eve took the apple. and isn't aslan always saying "that is not for you to know" and denying people knowledge just like the god of the garden of eden whom i so mistrust? i have never been able to idolise purity or innocence. is this unfortunate? all i ever enjoyed in narnia books were the stories. maybe that was purity, the ability not to overanalyse everything for theology or slash or psychology or philosophy.
what am i even saying? this migraine is making the screen fuzzy. i am going to go away now.
