oh, to live my life for my biographer!
Apr. 30th, 2004 09:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sebastiennemaybe i'm just not meant to write emotive fiction. the first time i tried, it turned into an essay about pleasure/pain vs good/evil. this time, it was a supposedly emotive second-person description which turned into
and the way that you think that life can be summed up in someone else's song lyrics
and the way that you think that life can be summed up at all
by summing something up we say, 'this is the kernel of it, this is the complete and important substance, everything merely points towards this.'
and so, by explaining the universe in a mathematical formula, a line of poetry, a melody, a kiss, we negate the rest of existence.
we say, 'this is the meaning' and by doing that, render everything else meaningless.
are we missing the point in our search for the meaning of life? did no-one think to pick up a dictionary?
life,(n). state of living: the sum of the activities of plants and animals: conscious existence: the period between birth and death: a series of experiences: manner of living: moral conduct: animation: a quickening principle: a living being: living things: human affairs: narrative of a life.
'narrative of a life'? this dictionary tells me that a life is a narrative of itself.
is that our life's duty? to create a beautiful story?
'the period between birth and death' - that's the afterlife out, then.
why not just accept that life is just a 'series of experiences' and live accordingly?
and what about the idea of 'conscious existence'? this tells me the meaning of life is to be concious of one's own existence.
gnothi seauton.
take a bite, adam. it's perfectly safe. and it tastes so good...
i'm feeling really restless tonight, i don't know why. am i dissatisfied, stressed, bored, horny, even?
*shrugs*
but my life is lacking something.
msn profiles are working again. and i found that what i'd heard in passing was true. l.b.'s mum is terminally ill. why does this affect me so much, apart from the obvious 'isn't human suffering a terrible thing' part of it? i know it is entirely unfeasible that i could do anything, even if i were still close to her, to make her feel any better... but just this little insight into her life, imagining her sitting, alone, on the sofa i can still so well imagine. remembering how intensely she used to feel things and how jealous i was of that, and how much pain that must be bringing her now.
it's a strange kind of melancholy, a distorted and fading memory. i haven't seen or spoken to her in eighteen months. to do so would be a mistake for both of us. i'd try to explain myself and she wouldn't want to hear me. i'd try to justify myself and end up patronising and accusing her. my life is so different now, and i have moved on.
they say that it is a shame that lord alfred douglas will be remembered as long as oscar wilde. but bosie will always be inextricably linked with the whole story of oscar wilde, and it would be foolish to try and seperate.
and the way that you think that life can be summed up in someone else's song lyrics
and the way that you think that life can be summed up at all
by summing something up we say, 'this is the kernel of it, this is the complete and important substance, everything merely points towards this.'
and so, by explaining the universe in a mathematical formula, a line of poetry, a melody, a kiss, we negate the rest of existence.
we say, 'this is the meaning' and by doing that, render everything else meaningless.
are we missing the point in our search for the meaning of life? did no-one think to pick up a dictionary?
life,(n). state of living: the sum of the activities of plants and animals: conscious existence: the period between birth and death: a series of experiences: manner of living: moral conduct: animation: a quickening principle: a living being: living things: human affairs: narrative of a life.
'narrative of a life'? this dictionary tells me that a life is a narrative of itself.
is that our life's duty? to create a beautiful story?
'the period between birth and death' - that's the afterlife out, then.
why not just accept that life is just a 'series of experiences' and live accordingly?
and what about the idea of 'conscious existence'? this tells me the meaning of life is to be concious of one's own existence.
gnothi seauton.
take a bite, adam. it's perfectly safe. and it tastes so good...
i'm feeling really restless tonight, i don't know why. am i dissatisfied, stressed, bored, horny, even?
*shrugs*
but my life is lacking something.
msn profiles are working again. and i found that what i'd heard in passing was true. l.b.'s mum is terminally ill. why does this affect me so much, apart from the obvious 'isn't human suffering a terrible thing' part of it? i know it is entirely unfeasible that i could do anything, even if i were still close to her, to make her feel any better... but just this little insight into her life, imagining her sitting, alone, on the sofa i can still so well imagine. remembering how intensely she used to feel things and how jealous i was of that, and how much pain that must be bringing her now.
it's a strange kind of melancholy, a distorted and fading memory. i haven't seen or spoken to her in eighteen months. to do so would be a mistake for both of us. i'd try to explain myself and she wouldn't want to hear me. i'd try to justify myself and end up patronising and accusing her. my life is so different now, and i have moved on.
they say that it is a shame that lord alfred douglas will be remembered as long as oscar wilde. but bosie will always be inextricably linked with the whole story of oscar wilde, and it would be foolish to try and seperate.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-30 08:18 pm (UTC)Precisely!
Brilliant. I loved reading this, I think you're a sublime writer.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-01 12:27 am (UTC)it's a shame that all that's been coming out recently is essays like the above; much as i believe in what i'm saying, think it important to say, etc, i do wish sometimes i could write convincing fiction. if i want to make a career out of writing (which i have, since forever) that's where the money/chance in hell is.
but seriously, thanks for reading, it makes me feel happy about myself. :)