sebastienne: Me in faux-victoriana for a burlesque photo shoot (Lashings)
[personal profile] sebastienne
I'm glad to have got the (flocked) self-flagellation out of the way! Thanks to everyone who called that bullshit right out: my head's been stuck in that loop for a month. (Most of the time, I know that the game is unwinnable, and that I will fuck up, and that what matters is how I deal with it when I realise that's happened - in fact, didn't Lashings have a song about exactly that...)

It's been particularly powerful to have people I know I've hurt in the past tell me that I should create art regardless; because of course, that's the advice I'd give the performers of those shows that hurt me, alongside "maybe think about how you could reduce the negative impact of your show on the people you're trying to liberate?"

So, why else have I not been creating?

In part, it's the problem of having nowhere to perform - Lashings usually had to put on our own shows, build a space from the ground up; we wanted to be safe for people who'd avoid mainstream comedy and cabaret because of the prevalence of hate-humour & kyriarchal bullshit or the possibility of unwarned triggers.

I keep thinking that a YouTube channel could be the way forward: so much more accessible than putting on physical shows. But I know so little about film-making - all my skills are about engaging live audiences. And I'm an MC at heart - getting the audience going and introducing someone else with the actual skills. MCing made me feel like my love & enthusiasm for the people who performed in Lashings was contagious.

Ah, there's my answer - I'm not creating any more because I'm no longer part of a community of people with shared creative drives. And I'm not a student in a houseshare, I can't just stay up til 3am brainstorming with like-minded queers and reprobates.

But I've tried levelling up to "adult creativity", which I've seen modelled by friends writing novels - scheduling the time, making myself do it when I have the time rather than waiting for an inspirational flash - and I come up with lectures with jokes in, not cabaret-comedy. (Then again, "Adventures in Menstruating" made that genre absolutely *shine*, so perhaps I should not be so quick to dismiss the lecture format.)

There's always something lurking at the bottom of my to-do list that means I never feel "free" to spend time on creativity. Even when my life is pointedly part-time, supposedly leaving me space to pursue my own projects - it doesn't happen. So maybe it's a red herring, to worry that if I Commit To A Career I'll lose space in my life for creativity - I've barely been managing that anyway.
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sebastienne: My default icon: I'm a fat white person with short dark hair, looking over my glasses. (Default)

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