(no subject)

[sebastienne]

Why did I let myself be volunteered for the cast party?! I've spent the last five hours trying to get my room into a state where a) people can all fit in it and b) when they inevitably spill their drinks, they won't destroy things that matter to me.

And I'm just not touching the kitchen. If party guests choose to brave it, that's their own look-out.

My parents were up yesterday. Talking about the logistics of taking me "home", which made me inexplicably upset. Like, shaking, disconnected thoughts, hiding tears. I'm not bloody going home, I'm leaving home, to spend a year with my accomodation subject to the term-dates of an institution by which I do not define myself. I am a resident of Oxford - and I'm about to spend 3 months away from home, against my will.

These last six months have been great, better than great, phenomenal.. and I don't want to think of the ramifications of spending half as long again away from everything that Oxford is to me. The only place where I could ever stroll up to the parks and watch pretty boys LARP-sparring and pretty girls firing LARP-pistols. Ashley, James, LARP, libraries, Intrusion, Helen, Joff, Doom, Magdalen chiming in the morning...

The square hole for my square peg, to steal a phrase.

Tidying this room for the party, I'm thinking about how, in less than a month, I'll be packing it up, never to return... Melodrama. I probably just need to snap out of this or something. Tell me I'm being silly?

Comments

[libellum.livejournal.com]

You're not being silly. At the end of my second year I spent the last of my trust fund staying in Cambridge over the summer so that I could have a social life. It was miserable with all my college friends away and no internet in my room, but I went out with the camgoths every night and saw my boyfriend in London every other weekend and I painted and got a job, and it was infinitely, infinitely better than living with my parents (who both work from home) in a city far away I have no connection to any more. It was worth every penny. Seriously, investigate jobs in Oxford, ask about college accommodation or whether you have any friends who need a temporary housemate. You could continue to investigate the you you have discovered this year, rather than being forced back into being the you your parents expect you to be. It would be a step forward for you, rather than going back.