sebastienne: Me in faux-victoriana for a burlesque photo shoot (Lashings)
[personal profile] sebastienne
I'm glad to have got the (flocked) self-flagellation out of the way! Thanks to everyone who called that bullshit right out: my head's been stuck in that loop for a month. (Most of the time, I know that the game is unwinnable, and that I will fuck up, and that what matters is how I deal with it when I realise that's happened - in fact, didn't Lashings have a song about exactly that...)

It's been particularly powerful to have people I know I've hurt in the past tell me that I should create art regardless; because of course, that's the advice I'd give the performers of those shows that hurt me, alongside "maybe think about how you could reduce the negative impact of your show on the people you're trying to liberate?"

So, why else have I not been creating?

In part, it's the problem of having nowhere to perform - Lashings usually had to put on our own shows, build a space from the ground up; we wanted to be safe for people who'd avoid mainstream comedy and cabaret because of the prevalence of hate-humour & kyriarchal bullshit or the possibility of unwarned triggers.

I keep thinking that a YouTube channel could be the way forward: so much more accessible than putting on physical shows. But I know so little about film-making - all my skills are about engaging live audiences. And I'm an MC at heart - getting the audience going and introducing someone else with the actual skills. MCing made me feel like my love & enthusiasm for the people who performed in Lashings was contagious.

Ah, there's my answer - I'm not creating any more because I'm no longer part of a community of people with shared creative drives. And I'm not a student in a houseshare, I can't just stay up til 3am brainstorming with like-minded queers and reprobates.

But I've tried levelling up to "adult creativity", which I've seen modelled by friends writing novels - scheduling the time, making myself do it when I have the time rather than waiting for an inspirational flash - and I come up with lectures with jokes in, not cabaret-comedy. (Then again, "Adventures in Menstruating" made that genre absolutely *shine*, so perhaps I should not be so quick to dismiss the lecture format.)

There's always something lurking at the bottom of my to-do list that means I never feel "free" to spend time on creativity. Even when my life is pointedly part-time, supposedly leaving me space to pursue my own projects - it doesn't happen. So maybe it's a red herring, to worry that if I Commit To A Career I'll lose space in my life for creativity - I've barely been managing that anyway.

Date: 2016-09-24 09:30 pm (UTC)
deathbyshinies: (flamethrower)
From: [personal profile] deathbyshinies
This is a problem for which I self-evidently have no answer, but have large amounts of sympathy. I think the bit of my brain that did the creativity got annoyed with the rest of me at some point in 2013, left in the middle of the night and got on a plane, and is now sitting on a beach somewhere drinking highly-alcoholic things out of coconuts and occasionally sending rude postcards to my superego.

Maybe at some point we should attempt to recreate Queerglish -- or something else that involves small, bite-sized chunks of low-stakes writing -- even it involves nothing but sitting around writing fix-it-fic for everything that's wrong with Steven Universe.

Edited Date: 2016-09-24 09:31 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-09-27 12:53 pm (UTC)
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
From: [personal profile] kaberett
(One of the things I have found really helpful is, irritatingly enough, the discipline of Just Doing It -- write poetry, accept it'll be bad, get better because I'm doing more of it and consequently thinking in that mode as background more, by default; the whole Class That Was Split Into Two Groups, One To Be Graded On Quality And One To Be Graded On Quantity... thing. Which isn't quite what you were asking, I think, and has more in common with the much-loathed-by-me "write every day" advice than I'd like, but I think the difference lies partly in flexibility -- "write One Thing a week, on average" is notably different to "write something, anything, every day" -- and partly in valuing mindset/attitude/approach/openness over Grimly Grinding On?)

Date: 2016-09-27 12:54 pm (UTC)
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
From: [personal profile] kaberett
(I mean not that I'm DOING that one-poem-a-week project atm, but... next year, maybe?)

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sebastienne: My default icon: I'm a fat white person with short dark hair, looking over my glasses. (Default)
sebastienne

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